Spiralling out of control June 15, 2009
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Me, Pain, Personal, Sadness, Thoughts.trackback
I am so tired. so terrified. feel so hopeless about the future and what it holds. don’t know how to handle the present and its craziness. i don’t know how to continue working in this place where gossip and rumours about me abound, where i’ve personally had conflict with so many, where there is so much ill-will directed towards me. i wish i never lost my temper at something so simple. i wish that after losing my temper, something so terrible didnt happen. i wish and wish to take back so many things. i wish time can be reversed. i am ashamed to face my subordinates because i lost my temper at something so simple. i dont know what came over me. i dont know how i could have just lost it, and in the process, made mortal enemy of a colleague and lost the respect of a big group of subordinates, not to mention making wrong decisions and opening myself to a fresh onslaught from my ever-vigilant boss. i feel that i’m walking on glass and egg-shells. i must do no wrong, for to do wrong is to invite thunder and lightning over myself. my boss is ever waiting for me to trip, my colleagues, undependable and unwilling to give any support whatsoever. God, i dont want to ever step foot into this hell-hole again. but i cannot, i must continue working until i get my transfer. i just dont know how to go on. my confidence as a doctor, as a part of this place is near to zero. i am panicking and am unable to make decisions for fear that my decisions will cause death or suffering. i am so sick of deaths, so terrified that my decisions will cause death or that my negligence will cause someone else’s suffering. God. God. my conscience is killing me. i’ve done so much wrong against so many, by my lack of knowledge, by my negligence, by my stupidity, by my lack of foresight, by not bothering more;’( by pushing responsibility. i am a killer. i’ve killed so many. God, i am terrified for myself as well as for my patients. God. help me!
babe you sound really affected and down. please snap out of it. it’s gonna be really tough for you but this is the start of an evil cycle… you’re upset and lose concentration then you’ll suck at work then fresh gossip will start. then you’ll get more upset. vicious cycle… so snap out of this k. i know it’s tough but you got to do this. we’re here for you.
… yest was the worst, coz i had to go back to work n face everybody. but i got thru yest. i’m just gonna take it one day at a time.
Eventually someone else will fowl up and take the focus off of you. And your transfer will come through. So just make it day to day and you will do just fine. And you could always call a meeting of your coworkers and apologize for your outburst. I’m sure most won’t hold a grudge and will even thing, “Wow. She’s apologizing. I suppose I should forgive her. This being mad at her really is silly. She’s sorry. Water under the bridge.” Or they won’t and you can just say, “To hell with them.” But that transfer will come through and everything will smooth out.
babe you ok?
I’ll bet she finally snapped and killed the Pointy Haired Boss…
eek. i hope not man. haven’t heard any news abt it from my side of the town tho.
I think she’s disappeared altogether. I check each day hoping to see something new but it’s all been in vain. I hope she’s ok.
i check everyday too, just that i’m too lazy to comment. i hope she’s ok too. do you think she’s abandoned this forever??
It’s possible that she’s just given up hope and is in a deep depression and just comes home and goes straight to bed. I hope that’s not the case. Maybe she met someone and just doesn’t take the time to update us anymore. I hope more for the latter but I have my doubts.
sigh i fear for the worst too…
realove, come back if only just to reassure us that you’re alive and kicking. come back because i wanna hear that you’ve found real love and you’re happy. come back and let me complain about how freaking sucky my love life has been.