Spiralling out of control June 15, 2009
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Me, Pain, Personal, Sadness, Thoughts.10 comments
I am so tired. so terrified. feel so hopeless about the future and what it holds. don’t know how to handle the present and its craziness. i don’t know how to continue working in this place where gossip and rumours about me abound, where i’ve personally had conflict with so many, where there is so much ill-will directed towards me. i wish i never lost my temper at something so simple. i wish that after losing my temper, something so terrible didnt happen. i wish and wish to take back so many things. i wish time can be reversed. i am ashamed to face my subordinates because i lost my temper at something so simple. i dont know what came over me. i dont know how i could have just lost it, and in the process, made mortal enemy of a colleague and lost the respect of a big group of subordinates, not to mention making wrong decisions and opening myself to a fresh onslaught from my ever-vigilant boss. i feel that i’m walking on glass and egg-shells. i must do no wrong, for to do wrong is to invite thunder and lightning over myself. my boss is ever waiting for me to trip, my colleagues, undependable and unwilling to give any support whatsoever. God, i dont want to ever step foot into this hell-hole again. but i cannot, i must continue working until i get my transfer. i just dont know how to go on. my confidence as a doctor, as a part of this place is near to zero. i am panicking and am unable to make decisions for fear that my decisions will cause death or suffering. i am so sick of deaths, so terrified that my decisions will cause death or that my negligence will cause someone else’s suffering. God. God. my conscience is killing me. i’ve done so much wrong against so many, by my lack of knowledge, by my negligence, by my stupidity, by my lack of foresight, by not bothering more;’( by pushing responsibility. i am a killer. i’ve killed so many. God, i am terrified for myself as well as for my patients. God. help me!
Boss Stress June 6, 2009
Posted by realove in 1156.2 comments
sigh… this past week has been one stressful event after another. and i’ve become a person i dont like. i’m actually partaking in office politics:(
my boss has been spreading news about me fighting with her while i was away. i only got to know about it after i came back. she told people that she has asked to me transfer because of my bad character. but she hasnt told me anything. and i feel v insulted and frustrated. she’s a horrible boss. lazy, greedy, bad hearted and makes false claims to get more income. she treats us all like her personal slaves. and she has the cheek to say i haf a bad character just because i refuse to be bullied by her? sigh… the worst is that i cant do anything about her. she’s the ‘queen of the fort’ and she just does whatever she wants. have done so for years. others have complained but she’s on very good terms with the higher bosses and all the complaints were swept under the carpet. that’s so sad. she’s complaining about me to the big boss and i feel so sad about that. i truly truly regret the day i agreed to come here. because of her, my good record has been marred. i applied for my transfer on thursday. and since then, she has been telling others that i will be transfered soon because i’ve made a fuss and insisted on being transferred (about half of my other colleagues have also applied for transfer because they can’t stand her either). i wish there was something i could do about her. i’ve schemed and planned and used gossips and office politics to let her know that if she continues disturbing me, i’ll make trouble for her. i feel like a shit. planning bad things on purpose. and there is so much hatred in me. so much frustration. no peace at all. i feel so far from God. so so far. i cant feel Him at all. all i think about his her, the things i would like to say and do to her, as well as how to control the damage she’s wrecking on my career and image. sigh… last friday was the last day that i let myself be involved in office politics directly. i felt so dirty. i refuse to do it anymore. sigh… pls pray for my peace of mind, and a quick transfer…
