Living Life Bravely

sigh… open your heart, and prepare to die. again. i wonder if my extremely stupid heart will ever learn its lesson and stop hurting itself. i’m back at home and my heart is in pieces again. even now, i’m fighting so hard not to try to get him. if i just keep quiet and not do anything, i will never see him again and after a while, these feelings of mine will be forgotten.

but one small thing that i’m extremely happy about is that it wasnt so one-sided after all. a small and useless consolation, but one i treasure none the less. i thought i was the only one attracted to him. but it seems he is attracted to me too, maybe even before i was attracted to him. and the last 2 days was wonderful. we spent so much time together. not alone, because that’s unacceptable. but together in a group, or in a public place. and we had so much fun together. even studying was fun with him beside me.

we never said anything to each other about any kind of attraction or even hinted at anything. but he looks at me with such a gentle face when he thinks i’m not looking. when i’m talking to anyone else, he will be gazing at me. he comes to look for me when he knows i’m probably at that place. everytime i ask him to join us to do something, he will agree without hesitation even if he has promised someone else. we talk during lectures about so many things. we try to sit by each other.

i know now that the course is over, this is the end. we’ll go our separate lives. him to get married. me hopefully to meet a good man. i’m grateful for all the time i had with him. i am so tempted to pursue him. i am so tempted to try to wrestle him away from his fiancee. but that will just end things rottenly. i know that what he had was a superficial attraction. what he and his fiancee has is love, from 7 years of relationship.

i just wish and wish so much that he would miraculously realize that we’re meant to be together and break of his engagement and come running to me. haha. even in my wildest dreams, that wont happen. it hurts so much. it hurts.  i dont regret any of the time i spent with him even though its because of all that time that i’m suffering now. i’m left in my empty home with so many beautiful memories with a guy who forever belongs to someone else. i even went online and browsed through his couple photos, goodness knows why. they look so good together. talk about rubbing salt in a wound.

God. i know it will get better as time passes by. but for now, oh so painful. so painful:’(