New Goal May 31, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Personal, Thoughts.1 comment so far
i spent the weekend being DEPRESSED. alternating between missing him so damn much, and telling myself it serves me right that i’m so miserable now coz i got involved with a married man. he’s so perfect. physically he’s perfect. and we have so much in common. and we have the same line of thought about so many things. we love the same things. we would have been great together:S i miss him! and i cant help but hope that they’ll break up and he’ll come to me. haha. that’ll never happen. and after a few days, he would just be a good memory. anyway, i’ve decided that today is my last day of depression. i refuse to spend my precious time crying over spilt milk and hoping for the impossible.
i have decided on a new goal. superficial. but interesting. i have decided to be a man-magnet! hhhmm…. i have nothing to lose. i’m bored and lonely anyway. worst case scenario: i’m bored and lonely even though i try. haha. i’ve been reading some stuff on the net. doing research (i’m pathetic – i do research for everything:P)
My strategy to be a man-magnet:
1. EXTREME CONFIDENCE in my ability to attract men
2. Great attitude – cheerful, funny, sweet
3. Belief in myself
4. ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY
5. shining eyes
6. smiling lips
7. poise and style
8. unique-ness (no such word)
9. think sexy and i will be sexy
10. positivity
11. feminimity
this last ‘fling’ has given me a boost in self-confidence. after so many one-sided crushes, suddenly this guy is attracted to me back. and that’s amazing. for a long while, i never dreamed that would happen. and he isnt just an average joe either. he’s tall, handsome, popular, other ppl gravitate towards him, other girls were flirting with him, and he was attracted to me. WOW.
and that gives me the boost in confidence that maybe i wont be alone forever:)
btw, just an update, after the ending of our course, we have since stopped direct contact. he stopped first and i didnt pursue it. he probably intended to put a stop to it once we’re not together physically because when we were together, we couldnt stop ourselves from seeking each other out. its probably considered ‘cheating’ in his case and he’s not the kind of guy to cheat. and i understand that we cant be in contact anymore. but one of his last words were for me to keep being cheerful and care-free because it fits me and makes everything fun:) awww….
At least this new goal keeps my mind of him and i think i would have fun trying:)
Emmanuel May 28, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Pain, Personal, Thoughts.1 comment so far
sigh… open your heart, and prepare to die. again. i wonder if my extremely stupid heart will ever learn its lesson and stop hurting itself. i’m back at home and my heart is in pieces again. even now, i’m fighting so hard not to try to get him. if i just keep quiet and not do anything, i will never see him again and after a while, these feelings of mine will be forgotten.
but one small thing that i’m extremely happy about is that it wasnt so one-sided after all. a small and useless consolation, but one i treasure none the less. i thought i was the only one attracted to him. but it seems he is attracted to me too, maybe even before i was attracted to him. and the last 2 days was wonderful. we spent so much time together. not alone, because that’s unacceptable. but together in a group, or in a public place. and we had so much fun together. even studying was fun with him beside me.
we never said anything to each other about any kind of attraction or even hinted at anything. but he looks at me with such a gentle face when he thinks i’m not looking. when i’m talking to anyone else, he will be gazing at me. he comes to look for me when he knows i’m probably at that place. everytime i ask him to join us to do something, he will agree without hesitation even if he has promised someone else. we talk during lectures about so many things. we try to sit by each other.
i know now that the course is over, this is the end. we’ll go our separate lives. him to get married. me hopefully to meet a good man. i’m grateful for all the time i had with him. i am so tempted to pursue him. i am so tempted to try to wrestle him away from his fiancee. but that will just end things rottenly. i know that what he had was a superficial attraction. what he and his fiancee has is love, from 7 years of relationship.
i just wish and wish so much that he would miraculously realize that we’re meant to be together and break of his engagement and come running to me. haha. even in my wildest dreams, that wont happen. it hurts so much. it hurts. i dont regret any of the time i spent with him even though its because of all that time that i’m suffering now. i’m left in my empty home with so many beautiful memories with a guy who forever belongs to someone else. i even went online and browsed through his couple photos, goodness knows why. they look so good together. talk about rubbing salt in a wound.
God. i know it will get better as time passes by. but for now, oh so painful. so painful:’(
Sigh… a crush… again? May 24, 2009
Posted by realove in Life, Love, Personal, Thoughts.8 comments
when will i learn my lesson. sigh… i’ve only been at this course for a week and on the first day itself, i was attracted to a guy. and the feeling deepened as i knew him better. now i love his face, his body, his voice, and even his smell. he is just perfect for me. haha. except for the fact that he’s engaged to be married soon:S
plus, he treats me as a friend and is totally not interested in me. plus, he’s from a different race and religion. plus, he’s getting married!!!!!! isn’t that enough to stop yourself? i’m even thinking of pursuing him and having a fling with him just for the course. i’m fantasizing about kissing by the beach. and the worst is, even by some ‘miracle’ it happens, i think i would go for it, even though it will ruin his life after that. imagine if he really cheated, it will be just a fling for me, but it would ruin his future coz he cheated on his fiancee. and knowing that, i still automatically want to pursue this.
currently, i’m just trying my best not to see him in that light and to just appreciate our friendship. but damn. i realized a few things that i want to get off my chest.
1. i’m so lonely. i desperately want someone to share my life with.
2. i’m not as virtuous as i thought. i thought i had self-respect and a sense of right enough that i wouldnt do something on purpose when i know it will hurt another human being so badly. especially when i was hurt in the exact same way. but i’m fighting that now. probably nothing will happen. he does not look like the kind of guy to cheat. but the point is on my side, i’m hoping he would. what a bitch. sigh… but i’m working on strengthening my character now. and i’m adamant to.
Shitty World May 14, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Me, Personal, Rants, Thoughts.2 comments
Isnt it? its a world where people only like you when you can offer them something. its a world where when you’re up, you have all the friends in the world. but when you’re down, not even your closest friend wants to be near you . its a world where nobody wants to know about your success from jealousy and nobody wants to know about your failures from apathy. its a world where you can give your heart and soul and body to the only guy you’ve ever loved with all your heart for 9 whole years and fuck, he gives you some shitty lie about not being able to handle being in a relationship then starts a new relationship 2 months later. its a world where evil bosses get their way just because they have strong political support. its a world where when you tell someone your problems because you couldnt hold it in anymore, they nod their head in total understanding then find an excuse to keep their distance. its a world where there is nothing good in people anymore. its a world where we are no different than animals. its a world where you are born alone and will die alone. its a world where i will never meet that special someone because i dont think i have it in me anymore to let someone see my inner self. because everytime someone gets a glimpse of the not so happy me, that someone does a 180 degree turn. why is that? because its a shitty world.
the reason for this totally unreasonable rant (because the world is not really as bad as ALL that) is because when a 2 friends (a couple) messaged me today i joked that i was depressed. and she didnt fucking reply. not a peep. that was 2 hours ago. and from enjoying some time alone, watching a nice movie, i became down. unreasonable. yes. i blame hormones. my period is 4 days overdue. fuck.
and i cannot leave this unsaid. i have wonderful parents, a mega supportive sister and an amazing brother who gives me full support as they know how. so my world’s not that bad. having just my family is more than i can ask for.
thikak.
In response to everything May 8, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Personal, Thoughts.1 comment so far
thanks guys for being so supportive. haha. the ‘flamer’ is a very rude person and his main intention was to hurt. i’m not in the least bit affected by what he said about my english and my competency as a doctor. haha. i have very good english (although nobody would think that by reading my blog:P) and one of my few hobbies is writing fiction. hehe. The reason my english is bad on the blog is because its a punching bag for me:) its where i just type and type with no regards for grammar, spelling or full sentences and words:D because that’s how my thoughts run. its like streaming my thoughts into words to get them out from my head. that’s why i’m not at all perturbed (wow, what a BIG word:D ) by what some anonymous guy says.
However, one thing he said that woke me up. He said that i was not fit to be a doctor. I realized that could be true (not because of my ’horrible’ english but because of the fact that i seem to have let myself slip recently. i’ve been so caught up with other stressors in my life e.g lack of a boyfriend, my stupid boss, taking exam etc. that i’ve not given my full attention to my work. In that sense, i’m thankful for that useless comment:)
i’m on a weekend off now. its a much-needed break away from my daily life:)
p/s: i wrote correctly today just to show that i can:D but i’m probably going back to my usual style of crazy writing because this is supposed to be a stress-relieving activity, not an essay:D and to the anonymous flamer – here’s one up your ass.
