Stupid Me Again April 23, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Personal, Thoughts.trackback
sigh… every time it happens, i realize what an idiot i am and vow not to let it happen again. but it always does. yes, spectators of my pathetic life. i have fallen for yet another guy and surprise! am currently wallowing in self-pity and disappointment. seriously i dont know why i can’t help myself. why do i always let myself have hope? fuck. when will i learn?
i feel so angry with him. but its not really his fault. its my own fault for having hope and seeing hints when probably there were none. i need to concentrate man. i seriously need to. i need to pass my mrcp. its my only way out of here. and i cant throw it away because of men. if onlyi could just rip my heart out and keep it in a safe somewhere. the thing is, i believe in love:S and being forever optimistic, i will have hope, even though i know that its probably gonna end up the same way as all others. sigh… i’m an idiot. but i’m me. i knew it was gonna be like that while i was falling for him, but i decided to just let my heart lead anyway. haha. romantic. but stupid. i’m fine. i’ll be ok tomorrow. i’m just extra down today. i always get on my feet after falling down. maybe coz i’ve had so much practice:D sigh… sucks. i just wish i have a good guy who loves me whom i can love. btw, this is a repeat guy. he was the first decent guy i fell for about half a yr ago. the one who made me realize its possible to meet another guy so compatible with me. when we started getting close again, i thought he was over his ex. he probably is. just not interested in me. he has lots to pick from after all. young handsome doctor with a sense of humour. whatever. thank god for anonymous blogs:D smiling but not smiling. i just wish i wasnt so gullible and wouldnt so easily fall for someone. maybe its desperate-ness (??) probably it is. it will be over tomorrow. i’m determined.
*sigh* You are the eternal optimist. Which is part of your charm, don’t forget that. And guy-x may not be over his ex yet. Depends on how long they were going out. How much of himself he puts out there. And it could be that he’s said so much that you’ve passed into the dreaded “friend zone.” Lord knows that’s happened to me enough. I seem to happen to have one of those open faces. You know, the kind people trust quickly and tell all their darkest secrets to. That really ruins the whole dating potential. Dark secrets are supposed to come out after you’ve already built up a relationship and you know the other person won’t judge you. Not that I judge people, or I make a conscious effect not to anyway.
You can borrow John for a few days. He’ll always make you feel like the center of attention.
He’s a real confidence booster and will cook and clean and rub your feet after a long day of double shifts. I’ll mail him to you. All I need is an address. 
As always, I don’t think that you’re gullible. I think that you want so much for that other half of yourself when, I think, you’ve already got that. Whole and complete in and of yourself thing that I preach about. Sorry if that gets old but I really do believe it. A man should compliment your life and maybe guy-x would compliment your life very nicely. Maybe he would complicate and not compliment your life. I don’t know. Perhaps your idea of locking away your heart and focusing on your mrcp is a good one. If you succeed at this then you truely can do anything. :p It’s not a bad idea really. Just get past the test and on to bigger and better things. And you could also consider going outside the hospital to date. I know, who has time for that? Maybe find a hot male nurse… good luck on finding one that’s not gay. But you may find that even if you do get some hunky doctor that you’ll end up with conflicting schedules and never see each other, thus not working out. I probably shouldn’t put negative ideas into your head. So I’ll shut up about that now.
You’re obviously smart, attractive (for all a gay man would know, and we know a lot), and easy spirited when you’re not beating yourself up. You’re your own worst enemy but you bounce back rather resiliently. And your dating pool is so shallow. Not much to choose from. Become a lipstick lesbian.
No, that only makes it more shallow. But you can find yourself a bull dyke lesbian that way. Everyone needs a butch lesbian friend to fix leaky toilets and do general maintainence around the house. Just go with them to HomeDepot or Lowes with your credit card and buy them what they need. Or have them go and then just cut them a check. Seriously though, I think you’re doing just fine. Don’t take the rejection, or precieved rejection, too hard. Mr. Right is out there and you _will_ find him when the time is right. Who knows maybe you’ll have two Mr. Rights fighting over you. Wouldn’t that be a kicker. And remember I can always send John for a few days. Bolster that self-esteem. He’s good at what he does. 
lol. i have no one to offer to send you, but i think you’ll do just fine. remember that light at the end of the tunnel. i know because i’m always going through the same things as you in terms of hoping so your blog always strikes a chord in me.
well. if it helps. i’ve had a crush on a gay guy before, now isn’t that WORSE? lol. he’ll NEVER like me. at least you’ll have better luck aye?