My Fears January 28, 2009
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Me, Personal, Sadness, Thoughts.trackback
1. I fear that i will be alone and never find my ’soulmate’ or any other mate for that matter. i’ve fallen for so many guys in this past year, but not one has been interested in me enough to start a relationship with me. what’s wrong with me?
2.i fear of being in a relationship because then all my insecurities, and jealousy and obsession will come back because i’m not normal that way
3. i fear that the burning and dry mucous membranes and skin is a sign of a deeper disease like SLE.
4. i fear that i am not good enough to sit for the mrcp because no matter how much i study, i feel stupid. and i’m not studying well either because of all the other fears, especially the fear about relationships…
5. i fear death and the after-death because i think there isnt anything after death and even though i pray and hope and wish… i still see no sign of God and that scares me.
i feel that my life is a mess and i don’t know what to do about it. i’m paddling as hard as i can, but i’m still drowning. more and more, as the days pass, i can feel i’m sinking deeper. i’m most probably paddling wrongly. but i dont know how else to paddle. God teach me what to do. i keep trying to find solace in the saying that ‘the night is darkest before the dawn’ but so far… i will see a light, and i will think that its dawn, but its just a passing spotlight. God. i dont know what to do. i feel so depressed and lifeless. and most of all, my hope is dying. when there’s no hope. there’s nothing.
1. I think we all have that fear! Think about it, I’m gay and kinky so my pool of potential mates is smaller than 1-2% of the world’s population. You’ve got at least 30-40% to pick from. So don’t feel so bad. I’ve found that once you’ve become ok with being by yourself then you’re most ready for a relationship and it will come your way.
2. Again I think we all fear this! That our emotional baggage will scare off a potential mate. You have to put a lot of trust in someone to be with them. Trust that they won’t look for security or sex somewhere else. And let them just be themselves. Allow them to keep their personal identity. Like, for me, I have my “Justin” identity and I have my “Justin and John” identity. Don’t get so involved in a relationship that you lose the self identity or you try and force someone else to lose their’s.
3. The only thing to do is go and get tested. The longer you worry about it the more stress you have and you seem to have enough of that already. And as you know stress can manifest itself a lot of ways. So these symptoms could all be symptoms of stress. So spending some time on clonazipam might be an idea for you.
4. You know what good study habits are because you’ve made it to the MRCP. Just fall back on those. Give up those fears to God for the time that you study. Or meditate and then study. Give yourself some time away from your fears. Distance yourself from them. I know that’s easier said than done but just try something. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
5. Depends on where you’re looking for God. Life and Death are both gifts of God. And you’re around that all the time. It’s in the miracle of birth. In the kindness of a stranger or the kindness you give to a patient. Both those things a Grace. It’s also in the love you feel. Even if it’s unrequited love. And if you’re like me, Buddhist, I believe in reincarnation. So after some time in the Intermediate State I’ll be reborn as an animal, a human, into the hells, the heavens, as a demi-god or god for a set amount of time and end up being reborn again. And I still believe in the Christian Heaven and Hell and that people will go there for all eternity. I don’t discriminate or think my way is the only way to be. So don’t dispare that there is nothing. I believe there is plenty of both God and His/Her Graces and room for reincarnation.
I don’t think you’ll drown. I think that perhaps it’s just stormy right now but it will get better. It did for me. When my first love left me I thought I would die. I didn’t eat a meal but every 3-4 days. I lost an average of a pound a day. I slept 16-20 every day. I showered every 2-3 days. I lost my job. All “our” friends ended up being his friends and I was left utterly alone. It was hell. But I came out of it a much stronger and happier person for having had it happen because I now know I can weather anything. God is trying to teach you lessons. Learn from Life and you’ll be just fine. You might also look into getting on an anti-depressant for a while. Just until things settle down. I push drugs only because I’m a pharmacy technician and I know how much help they can be. Both professionally and personally. You’re a doctor so you know, too. You’re not an island alone in the sea. Reach out for help when you need it and be better for it. I’ll pray for you if you like (yes Buddhists pray). Stay strong, keep that head up and you’ll do fine.
i am touched. thank you for caring.
I am but a humble servant of God/The Universe. My words are all I have to give you and I give them freely and with love. I care because I would want someone to care about me. I play by the Golden Rule. Treat others as you would want to be treated. It’s worked well for me so far. You are a good person to care so much for others that you would want to be a doctor. Never forget that. You deserve to shine a little. Smile once in a while when on your rounds… just as a reminder that you deserve to shine.