Acceptance? January 22, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Personal.trackback
i still havent forgotten him. and i still feel sad everyday when i think of him. i really do like him, even with his faults and imperfections. however, after many days of thought, i think the most possible reason why he doesnt like me is because i’m not his type of girl. based on past girls that he was interested in, he’s into stunning girls with big eyes. haha. which i’m the exact opposite of. i’m alright, but i’m definitely not stunning. and that really hurts. not only the rejection from him but also the general rejection of another guy towards me. another blow to my fragile self-esteem which i’m holding on to by mere threads. i’m not wallowing in self-pity and inability to function, that itself shows how far i’ve come since the old days, but man… my heart hurts.
i messaged him that day that i felt very sad but he ignored me. i used that as an excuse to be angry with him for being rude and uncaring, even if we were just friends. but i knew it was just an excuse to hide from the sadness. and after i realized that, i just gave in to being sad. but during the initial phase, i also showed my anger by ignoring him. and now we dont even say hi when we pass each other. and that made me even more miserable.
so today, i just decided to have closure by messaging telling him that i was very disapointed about him not caring enough to reply, even as a friend. he replied that he didnt see my message until today. which is more likely than not, an excuse. but i just took it as an excuse to start being on talking terms to him again. i’m trying to accept the fact that ‘what to do, he just doesnt think i’m good enough’ and accept the fact that we’re just normal friends. and at least, i wont have the conflict of being angry with someone in my life.
its still sad, but i’m trying to come to terms with it. i’m more worried about regressing because if we’re on talking terms, then its much harder to forget him, and i might read him wrongly again and still have hope. thats the worse part of this situation, if i still have hope, i can never mourn in peace then forget him. but anyway, we’re both moving to different geographical locations in about 3 weeks, so it doesnt make much of a difference.
man. i feel ugly.
It’s really sad that you see yourself as ugly. I’m sure that’s not true. Just because you’re not his type doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It just means he’s narrowed his view of the world and what it has to offer. That’s no one’s fault but his own. So don’t get too down on yourself. There are plenty of guys out there who are looking for someone like you, I’m sure. You just have to find them.