just thoughts December 15, 2008
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Hatred, Life, Love, Me, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Self-improvement, Thoughts.2 comments
i just want to let out my thoughts and feelings. since i cant let it out to anybody else. i’m postcall. which means yes! i’m depressed. as usual. today as i watched lorelai i realized. who am i kidding? my dream is not to be a specialist. its to meet my soulmate and have a happy family. haha. being a specialist is 2nd to that. the only reason i’m focusing on other dreams is coz there is nothing i can do about the 1st dream. because no matter what i do or how hard i try, nobody worth it is interested in me. and i dont even know why. and i’ll probably feel better tmw but for today, i feel so bad because i’m alone. i want to kiss someone and be kissed. mostly, i want to have someone beside me in life that i can share my life with. because life is lonely, and its hard. and i cant do it alone. not cant, but preferably, i dont want to. it makes me so sad and near panic that i most probably will not meet that special someone that is so ngam me.
when i’m tired. i think like this. but i’m a survivor. and when i’ve had my nice sleep, i will think, ok just dont care about whether u’re alone or together. just have yr own fun, do yr thing. dont let being single stop you from doing anything u want in life. and thats what i’m gonna do=) i’m gonna sleep now. and tmw is a new day.
Hate social events December 12, 2008
Posted by realove in 1156.2 comments
again, i went for a social event and come home feeling sad and alone and ugly n pathetic. everyone is so happy at those events. everyone is so social and so much things to talk and laugh about and everyone is so alive! and i feel like a dead fish as the night goes on and on and i feel tireder and uglier and stupider. and i haf not one witty thing to say. and no one talks to me. and i have nothing to say to anyone. and i always come back depressed. i really dont want to go for these things anymore. i always always look forward so so much to these events. taking pains to dress up, make up and feeling so ‘optimistic’ before i go. and always always during the course of it, i realize how little frens i actually have. haha. all i have are colleagues. i have no friends. and nobody comes looking for me to sit with. nobody comes to talk to me because they want to. and my shining bright eyes all toooooo soon will become lacklustre and dead. and i know when i dont smile i look so tired and sad, and that makes me feel worse. i dont know whats wrong with me. i dono what to say to people when im in a group. when its just 2 ppl i’m great at conversation. not small talk. i talk with intention of getting to know somebody or discuss something. but whenever its a group, i always become like wallpaper. and dull peeling wallpaper no less. why why? and all i could think about during the event was how tired and ugly i knew i looked and how much i needed to come home and be alone and write out all my negative feelings.
i feel ugly=’(
My Dreams December 1, 2008
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Personal, Thoughts.1 comment so far
1. Be a great internal physician
2. Open a cozy cafe
3. visit as many places around the world as possible
4. find my ’soulmate’ and have a happy happy family
5. write a book of short stories
6. Find God
Singledom December 1, 2008
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Thoughts.3 comments
I’ve decided to accept my singleness. i realized that i’ve been looking at singleness as a negative and looking at being part of a couple as a goal. Singleness was negative. Coupledom was positive. black and white. i was actually embarassed and ashamed wen i haf to tell ppl i’m single. You get the picture. And since 2 days ago, some thoughts have been running around my brain. and i didn’t want to say anything until i’m definitely sure i’m really feeling this way, and not just on a whim. After 2 days of having it in the background of my brain, simmering… it has come to a boil.
i can sincerely and truthfully say, i accept my singleness. and it is not a negative, neither is it a positive. it’s just it. Theres pros and cons to everything and so far, i’ve only been looking at the cons.
pros:
1. i have time to work on my goals and dreams.
2. my emotions are my own. i wont be affected by the other persons moods
3. i dont have to worry about him cheating or be jealous that he’s eyeing some other girl
…i only have 3 pros… but they are MEGA pros for me. and i’m very happy with not having those 3 things in my life=) so rynstar, hugs. i’m going off on a holiday for a week=) it was planned months b4 but this is a nice celebration on my new perspective on life=)
