My Greed November 13, 2008
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Me, Pain, Personal, Sadness, Thoughts.add a comment
i took 3 pizza slices today when every one else was satisfied with 2. and after that i feel so greedy and embarassed and ashamed of myself. retrospectively, at the time, i just wanted another slice so i took it as no one else wanted it. but the problem runs much deeper. the truth is, ‘profiting’ is one of the things in life that i have focused on to boost my ‘happiness’. profiting meaning, getting a free meal, getting something free, paying less for something, taking more than my share of food. its usually about food… because food also makes me ‘happy’. and this has been going on for quite some time now. and i think, i’m gonna make today the last day of greed for me. from now on, no more greed. no more eating more than you need or want just coz its free. or to make it worth it. coz its not worth it. its not worth the image other people will have of u. its not worth the hit to your self esteem. and its not worth it because its a bad habit and you’re obviously just using it to boost a fake happiness.
so thats the end of my greed. it ends today.
Waiting for Contact November 11, 2008
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Thoughts.1 comment so far
i feel bad. now. when i wrote the previous post bout 2 hours ago, i was reasonably fine. but now i’m bad. and i actually contemplated opening up another anonymous blog so that i dont disapoint whoever is following my progress and being oh-so-proud of me here. man, then i knew i need to write. hahha.
i just want to say. i feel bad. i’ve been waiting for him to reply all day long. i just told him some very personal stuff bout me (coz he asked btw) and NOTHING about being attracted to him. but since then, he hasnt said ANYTHING. i mean i understand that he might be feeling akward. but this is abit too much. and i keep being paranoid that maybe he messaged but it din reach me coz the line here isnt really good. but somehow… i dont think so. i think he didnt message. and i just hate this waiting. its making me depressed. because i’m keeping the bloody phone beside me all the time and i keep looking at it and i keep reading my last message to him and thinking what is there in there that is causing him to not reply. i mean after someone tells you something personal about him/herself, you must at least say … SOMETHING.
fuck it. and the worst is, i keep hoping that he would say something that i’ve been hoping to hear. but i know thats just me being stupid. i know all that. thats why i just want him to reply so that i can be disapointed that its just a normal message and then i can get on with my life.
so there. i’m not that stable and normal after all. but thats me. and if i WAS that stable, this blog would be out of work.
Just Thoughts November 11, 2008
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts.add a comment
i’m working in partnership with a pretty, sweet, sociable girl now in a new place. as expected, she is a bigger hit than me. with guys especially, but also with girls. she complains about things often and is really not that sweet and an extreme racist but physically, definitely. not to mention amazing social skills and ability to hide her real feelings. just feel its unfair, the halo effect. why isit that just because you’re pretty, automatically u’re a nice person and is everything sugar and spice? of course i’m envious. jealous even if i let myself. i’m trying not to let it affect me and not be jealous about it. so far doing not too bad. i just remind myself its just life. and i’m not competing with her. if she’s more popular and likable so be it. that’s her lot in life. my lot is that i have a great family, a ‘deep’ mind, living in awareness (not just for shopping and new clothes). i’m just not the hugely popular kind. but i have good frens. and once people get to know me better, they like me fine. so that’s that. just wanted to write about it.
another thing is that guy i’ve been talking about, the rebound guy, we’ve been keeping in contact. almost every day in fact. by sms. went out once recently. i don’t know. really feel its a hopeless situation but can’t help hoping anyway. and that’s the real depressing part. at the back of my mind and at the bottom of my heart, i know its hopeless. he has a million reasons not to be interested in me. and i’m older than him for goodness sake! and i find myself waiting for his sms. i know we’re just frens. and i AM ’enjoying’ the frenship. but often i just want to blurt out that i’m attracted to u! i’m even attracted to his name. pathetic. why cant i just accept just being frens? i’m lucky to have found a good fren. and that we are. we share thoughts and feelings. and talk about real things. not just superficial stuff. and i know i’m not a rebound fren to him, coz he hardly talk about his gf unless i ask him about it directly. and when i’m down, he actually cares. and that’s so nice to know and have. i’m trying to just appreciate the frenship and let wat is to be, be.
i’m trying to be more sociable and meet more people. and most important, be FRIENDS with more people. not just acquantaince or colleagues, but as a real fren. its a nice feeling, to be cared for and to care for others. about the bf thing, … depressing, but there is not a single thing i can do about it.
another ‘big improvement’ is that my desperation has reduced. if nothing else, this rebound guy has taught me that it IS possible to meet somebody that i can talk to and who is on the same wavelength as me, who understands my humour and is a decent person. i know that such people exist. and i realize that i don’t want to just desperately accept any guy that comes into the picture just because i want a boyfren. i want a guy who loves me, whom i can love, and who understand each other. i want a soulmate. not a flatmate.
i realize that i’ve grown again! mentally and emotionally i mean=P rynestar, i bet u’re proud of me:-) to all those who don’t know – rynestar’s like my virtual fairy godmother. she’s been with me for a long time and know how i was like before – with all my daily tortured posts=p
What i saw in the last 24 Hours November 3, 2008
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Thoughts.3 comments
1. a 1 month old baby, unable to move, face in a persistent grimace, whimpering in pain with the slightest movement due to severe burning pain all over the body due to severe sepsis resulting in desquamation of 90% of his skin. in other words, he doesnt have the protective cuticles on his body and all his nerve endings are exposed to the environment.
2. a beta thalassaemia major girl. who also has insulin-dependent diabetes mellitus, and hepatitis C. she needs blood transfusion every month and all her veins are collapsed so its an ordeal for both the nurses as well as her to get a working line.
3. a 1 year old malay boy, so cute and active and diagnosed with beta thalassaemia major at 3 months old, already with enlarged spleen and liver and has been goin through the ordeal of blood transfusion monthly since 3 months old. this boy will not last past young adulthood.
4. a 3 yr-old chinese boy, diagnosed with Acute lymphocytic leukaemia, awaiting his first chemotherapy, ignorant of what he has, only interested in eating his biscuits, until the drug goes in and he starts feeling bad and vomiting.
5. a 2 month old prematured baby, never seen the sunlight as he has been in neonatal icu since birth. has numerous problems including retinopathy of prematurity. unlike other babies, despite regular feeding at more that his needed calories, he still looks malnourished. his skin is wrinkled like an old man’s. he might never see the sunlight.
I dont have a boyfriend.
What do i, or any of us, have to be depressed about?
condition. bad. November 1, 2008
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Thoughts.add a comment
woke this morning with a heavy head and heavy heart. yesterday i was more ‘active’ frustrated and sad. today its just… SAD. v sad. a no hope kind of feeling. hope is a very important thing. its the source of motivation and initiative. without hope, i have nothing. can see nothing in anything. and i’m terrified of feeling no hope. but that’s how i feel today. no hope.
and to top it off. i got my menses suddenly today even though its not due for another few days at least. and i have period pains. and i’m working 24 hrs today. and i hit my head on the toilet roll container. hard. and since the morning, i’ve been bombarded by couples. and the first patient i saw today, the wife is russian and they have a beautiful malay-russian mixed child. and of course, i’m reminded of my ex with his russian gf and the child they are gonna have, who will be oh so pretty. and the lift i was in got stuck and went up and down the floors before i was let out at ground floor.
and i want a child. i want a family to call my own. i want to belong to somebody and have somebody belong to me. but that’s not gonna happen. i can picture myself old and alone. eccentric. by that time, of course, already anti-social and cranky. and i wil die alone. and nobody will even know or care. and that’s the story of my life.
God, why are you playing with me? what else is going to happen today? i will handle it i suppose. just as i handle everything else. but God, i’m so tired. give me a break. please.
