Living Life Bravely

yes i am alone. and megaly sad and depressed. and i cant sleep. and i have nobody to tell my sorrows to. nobody at all. there are a few people i can force to hear my sorry tale but i’m not a charity case. so here i am again. spilling my guts out to the anonymous cyberspace. 

feel very sad. i hope and wait for a miracle every day. the miracle being that a nice guy who loves me whom i can love will suddenly just turn up and from then on, life would be rosy and glowy and everything nice.

actually i know that relationships are up and down, and often being single is better than being in a relationship. but i’ve been alone since forever. even with my ex it was a long distance thing most of the time i was alone. and i’m just so fucking sick of being alone.

i’m desperately sad. and i think its showing in the aura i give out. i mean of course i dont show my long face everyday but i think it can be felt in the air. and its just a vicious cycle isnt it.

and the worst part is that i’m going off to a small town in 2 months. where there will be even less, maybe nil eligible guys. then my chances of being with somebody will be reduced to zero. and when i leave after 2 yrs, i would be 28. and old old maid.

actually, i kinda guess that i’m not ready to be in a relationship. coz i’m unstable emotionally, i’m not sure what i want, i’m scared, and i dont even know who i am. i guess that’s the reason i’m not in a relationship. and even if i was, i would probably wreck it. actually i know i’m gonna wreck it. i just want to try anyway. but going off to that small town would give me more time to find myself.

so i guess, the conclusion is to accept the fact that i’m gonna be alone for quite some time more, and i should take this chance to find myself, know myself, live my life the way i want to. and when i’m ready, and stable and a whole person, hopefully, i will find someone to share my life with.

u know, this blog is my ’saviour’. without it to pour my heart out to about anything and everything, i would have ended up a psychiatric case by now=)

1. i want to have someone to hug everyday. when i’m sad. when i’m happy. when i feel alone. when i’m frustrated. when i have something to celebrate.

2. i want to share all the things i think are funny.

3. i want to come home to somebody.

4. i want to just sit in somebody’s arms in the park and enjoy the fresh air.

5. i want to go backpacking with my partner.

6. i want to show him my articles and essays that i’m so proud of

7. i want to make love at night before sleep and wake up to him inviting me to make love again.

8. i want to spend my weekends going on short trips with him to visit the whole country.

9. i want to bring him home to show my parents and family.

10. i want to be working nights and have a nice dinner because my bf brought dinner for me.

11. i want to pray for him every morning and every night.

12. i want to talk about anything and everything with somebody.

13. i want to get to know him more and more everyday.

14. i want somebody to be there when i need somebody.

15. and i want to be there when he needs somebody.

16. i want someone to look to me for comfort, support, a listening ear. i want to be important to someone.

17. i want someone to miss me when we’re not together.

18. i want to be in love, and to love, and to be loved by my ’soul mate’

19. i want to snuggle up to him every night and even if we’re too tired to do anything, just snuggle and talk until we fall asleep in each others arms.

20. i want to have somebody to hold hands with and just do things with instead of just doing everything alone everyday.

i can have everything that money can buy (not everything- but anything a normal un-greedy person would need) but no matter how much money i have, or what i do, or how i pray. i dont have love.