Living Life Bravely

i think i’m being had. that guy i mentioned recently… he just broke up with his gf and now we’re spending time together… he messages me usually at night… late… and yesterday, we messaged back and forth for 1 hr! coz he was in a down mood. but otherwise… throughout the day, he hardly ever messages. and he doesnt ask bout me. he doesnt ask how i am. he’s not interested to know bout me. and i think he’s embarassed to be seen with me in our workplace… not sure why… he avoids me in the workplace but when we’re out, we can talk about anything under the sun.

so i have a bad feeling i’m being used as a rebound… friend… isnt that pathetic? not even rebound gf. my theory is that he doesnt think of me throughout the day, coz he’s bz with his life and his frens and at night, when he’s feeling alone and sad he will message me for companionship and comfort.

i feel pathetic and sad. i’m not sure if my theory is right… but i’ve always read too much into nothing before, and this time i just want to be realistic. i dont want to get my hopes all high up (actually it already did) and then get rejected and stomped on again.

in fact i realize my life motto: the rule of me is that nobody can be more interested than me. and that’s just so pathetic its funny.

actually the other day, i was feeling so down because i thought he was avoiding me at work. and he didn’t message the whole night and day. and i vowed to forget him. and i was so depressed the whole day thinking of my pathetic life. and i told God i’m gonna give him 2 days. if in this 2 days i dont hear from him, i’m gonna forget him. but late at night, he messaged. and all of a sudden, my life was bright again=( and i keep thinking is this a sign that God is giving him to me? is this a sign that there is sthing more? and even though i forced my hopes to stay down, it came up again… not as high as before, but hope anyway. but til now… i dono… it really sounds like i’m caught in a rebound frenship situation. and that sucks. its bad enough that i’m alone, now i’m alone and being used.

its 530 am in the morning and i just got off the phone from my ex bf who is half a world away. he never contacted me for the past half a year and suddenly he did. and now my mind is in a mess and i need to type things down to sort it out.

1. he sounds like a nicer, normal, happy person.

2. he is in a relationship with the girl with whom he cheated on me

3. do i still love him?

4. does he still love me?

5. so why am i so sad?

6. what do i do with my life?

Answers:

1. he does sound nice and normal and happy. he probably is, at this time, with this girl. but if u guys are together, he probably would be the exact same as last time, and u, the exact same as last time. no matter how much both have progressed, ppl will usually recede to the exact behaviour coz thats how we rub each other.

2. he’s with her. i more or less expected that. but now i know for sure. and this is the point that even if i had a small glimmer of hope, its over now. anyway, i cant be with him, i dont want to be with him. remember?

-he is an automatic liar

-he will forever feel inferior to u

-i refuse to hurt my family who was there for me throughout by being with him again

-actually, i dont want to be with him, i want to be with somebody new. coz there’s just too much history, too much doubt, definitely no trust

3. do i still love him? i guess there’s a residue. when i hear his voice, i miss him. and wen i hear he’s with her, i hurt. but otherwise, my thoughts are mostly pre-occupied with having someone new in my life. i guess i would always have something for him. i dont think its love per say, but i dono what it is. but i thinki can answer truthfully, that i dont want to be with him. i’m just desperate for someone.

4. does he still love me? he said he still cared for me. but OF COURSE HE DOESNT LOVE ME. he wouldnt be with her otherwise. he chose to be with her over me. enough said?

5. i am sad because i think mainly, coz he has gone on with his life and is so happy even though he was the cause of my sadness past so many years and i am stuck here, alone, in this rut, with no one, and no prospects of happiness. i want to be happy with someone too=( that’s the main reason. if i have someone, i wouldnt be sad about him and her. that’s also how i know i’m over him. my main sadness, is the fact that i dont have someone special in my life. basically, the same as yesterday before he called. but now, just MORE and i feel more desperate.

6. so what do i do now? my automatic reaction is to go out today, a desperate look in my eyes, and flirt with every tom dick and harry, and think that the garbage man looks good and is a potential if only he;s interested in me. but that would just kill me. what i would do is take 10 deep breaths (which i just did), and go out and face the world. stick to my original rule of not fantasizing and imagining until someone shows obvious interest, and have confidence, and self-love and self-esteem. dignity. and just go on as usual. just because he is happy with someone doesnt mean i have to rush and be with someone too so as not to lose out (although that’s what i so want to do) its not a competition. everyone wants to be happy. but competiting to be happier first is not the way. he grows in his way. i have to grow in my way. everyone will have their own problems in life. and my problem is this. being alone. being afraid that i will never meet a guy who gets me. i just pray to God that i will. so far, in retrospective, God has always taken care of me, even though it looked like things were not going my way. basically i have to have faith. and have fun. and just in case, be strong alone.