Alone but choosing dignity October 27, 2008
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Thoughts.trackback
i think i’ll be alone for a long time… maybe forever. feel very sad when think about it. i’ve fallen for so many guys in this past few months and been disappointed so many times. and so so many times i’ve read signs where there were none.
i feel so embarassed. i wonder if people think of me as a desperate old maid. i dont think so qua… nobody really knows that i’m so desperate. but i do feel embarassed. and i have to stop reading signs. stop making excuses. a guy is not shy if he’s not forthcoming in asking u out. it means he’s not interested=P even the blurest guy knows how to go after a girl he’s interested in. if he’s not going after u it just simply means he’s not interested stupid.
i think i rather be alone and with dignity rather than alone and pathetic. i’m gonna be alone anyway. so please, stop making first moves. stop making a fool of yourself. stop it. just stop.
I completely understand your feelings… and am so disllusioned in regards to relationships and there function/ dysfunction in my life. relationships for me have been never ending webs of struggle, deceit, and kind smiles that hide ulterior motives. Yet and still, I keep on trying to locate love outside of myself… but maybe what I have been searching for has been here all along, its just inside of me…
I have had many of your feelings. I think i’ll be alone forever. I feel there is no hope for me having a relationship. And even if a girl did show an interest. as soon as they get close to me they will see past my calm exterior and see me for who I really am, which is a sad lonely 21yr old.. and who would find that attractive right?
I’ve realised these thoughts are actually a by-product of years of untreated depression/low self-esteem, that has slowly grown in time. to the point that i feel my live isn’t worse living anymore.
I have decided to seek professional help. Speaking to my GP about my problems helped a little and he has referred me to a counsellor which I’m waiting on. I’m hoping I can hold on for it.
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You seem to have the same problems as me, that you look into every little thing in immense detail and worry over it till you can’t take it anymore, turning these thoughts into a completely irrashional mix of emotions. I think that seeing a professional would help you alot, as they are there to listen to all of your problems and give your some sound advise and techniques to apply at the end of it.
feel free to give me an e-mail sometime as I would be happy to hear from you
mmm…
actually i think it’s a by product of youth. i agree with dan that it might be because of untreated depression/low self esteem. when i look back at my past journals, 5 years back, i sounded exactly like you. mourning my being single, reading signs into every guy.
i think i’m still a little like that in the sense that i do read signs, but i guess i’ve learnt to tamper that down with rational thinking and not really bother too much. i think i’m uglier and fatter than i used to be (than 5 yrs back) but i’m way more comfortable and at ease with myself. and i think that will come for you in time.
but in the mean time, if it gets too much to bear, talking to someone will definitely help, whether it’s a professional or a friend.
I don’t think you’d be alone forever, or for much long so to say… Sometimes love comes to us when we stop looking or trying so hard.