Living Life Bravely

1. Thank you to everyone, especially rynestar, who has given so much support to me when i’m down. it helps alot=)

2. it has happened. the rebound guy has ‘left’ me. he doesnt need me anymore. better earlier than later actually… although its still depressing and disappointing and hurting and i can’t bring myself to tell even my closest frens, the only ppl who knows bout this is those who read my posts. i really thought he was the one, and he would end my miserable singleness. and here i am, as miserable as ever. miserabler in fact. but i know things will get better=)

3, i’m actually working with the guy i confessed to earlier. nothing ler. he talks with me and seeks me out quite frequently, although i think its mostly because he’s bored and maybe he wants to see if i’m still interested in him, coz i’ve been giving him the cold shoulder since he ignored my smses. i’m not sure what he’s trying to do but bastard, i’m not interested in u anymore. i’m not another notch on yr belt.

4. seeing couples still has the power to instantly make me depressed. but that’s probably gonna continue until i’m attached. so i’m gonna try to reduce the reaction to sadness then to acceptance step by step.

5. i’m physically unwell. having digestion problems, unexplained lethargy and headaches. all most likely due to the depression and stress i’ve been having past many weeks. i guess this should be the biggest motivation to cleanse myself of all that dirt. i cant take the physical symptoms anymore. its affecting my work and my whole life.

yup. writing this has made me realize i’m back at step 1, months ago, when i had to make conscious effort to be happy. shit. ok. tmw is day 1 again. conscious happiness again.

i think i’ll be alone for a long time… maybe forever. feel very sad when think about it. i’ve fallen for so many guys in this past few months and been disappointed so many times. and so so many times i’ve read signs where there were none.

i feel so embarassed. i wonder if people think of me as a desperate old maid. i dont think so qua… nobody really knows that i’m so desperate. but i do feel embarassed. and i have to stop reading signs. stop making excuses. a guy is not shy if he’s not forthcoming in asking u out. it means he’s not interested=P even the blurest guy knows how to go after a girl he’s interested in. if he’s not going after u it just simply means he’s not interested stupid.

i think i rather be alone and with dignity rather than alone and pathetic. i’m gonna be alone anyway. so please, stop making first moves. stop making a fool of yourself. stop it. just stop.

i dont know what to feel. after the last post about cleansing him out of my life few days ago, i was so depressed. but i knew it was going to become better. it always was like that. the initial few days would be hell, then things just get better… then the next night itself, while i was working the night shift, i found that he was working the night shift with me! seems he’s helping out a fren. and tht night, he messaged me asking how i am etc. invited me for a middle-of-the-night tea. aarrgghh… of course i accepted. how could i have said no. i’m in his pockets=( i kept praying to God, please let him be interested in me. but if he’s not, please let him stop contacting me! but just when i finish praying that, not half hour after that, he messaged. so what does this mean? that he’s interested? or God is playing tricks on me? mark my words, few days from now, i will be back at square 1 whre i’m praying to God again not to torture me like this. its so much more painful this way=( i like him so much. and sometimes i think he does to. but sometimes i think he just thinks of me as an older sister (i’m 1 yr older btw). i just wish he would say something. but he’s not the kind who would. he is even akward when we’re together. believe it or not, he’s at his best and funniest on sms. and how can i say something? what if i’m wrong and that he only thinks of me as a fren? it would wreck our frenship. and i really dont want that. i really dont.  i really dono what to do or think or feel about this.