Living Life Bravely

i just feel so sad deep inside. so sad in my whole heart. i just feel so bad. i have nothing to feel bad for. i have a wonderful family. wonderful job and career. wonderful frens if i care to be closer. i have youth. i have money. the only thing i dont have is God and Partner. but i think these 2 are the 2 things that will make me the happiest, other than family i would give up everything else.why is everyone together? why is everyone part of a couple? why does everybody have somebody except me? God, i not asking for much. just a decent guy with a decent job. he doesnt have to be handsome, or charming or romantic. i just asking for somebody to love me, be loved by me. to take care of me and to be taken care of by me. and to stay true to me, just as i stay true to him. somebody to grow old with, somebody to spend my life with and at the end of life say, thank you for sharing yr soul with me. i only have one life and i see it trickling away every day. i have so much love to give. so much things i want to do with that special someone. i want to cook for him. i want to go on holidays with him. i want to just spend time lying on the grass with him. i want to cuddle him at nite as we both sleep after a hard days work. i want to give him a massage and bring him his favourite drink after he comes back fr work exhausted. i want to surprise him with sexy outfits when he least expects it. i want a baby. i want a family. i want to belong to somebody and for somebody to belong to me solely.

God. God is another issue. i dont even want to go there because it scares me no end that there is no God. coz then there would be no point. but i cant even feel u god. i cant feel u at all. and i cant imagine yr existence. i cant imagine life after death. it sounds stupid. but i want so much to believe in you god. pls dont forsake me. pls let me come back to u god. pls let me know u;re there coz i’m so so lonely and scared.

as usual im writing when im down.  today flashes of the past with my ex came to mind while i lie in bed trying to sleep and praying to God to not let me be so lonely anymore. i remember the last time we were together. i was telling him about work and i said i wonder what ppl think of me? and he said from far, they think u’re shy but when they get to know u better, they think u’re snobbish and cold. and he said it so brusquely. i was surprised and hurt. and the moment he saw my expression, he was irritated that i cudnt take ‘criticism’. and i remember years ago, he answered the exact same question with u have a good heart. when ppl get to know u better, they see yr good heart. hahahaa. what a change. especially when i didnt change. i am not in any way a great person. but to be honest, i think my heart is not too bad. i’ve did many things that i’ve been ashamed of in the past. many things i regret. i was bad girlfren for many years. but everytime i realize something is wrong, i try to change it. the year after he cheated and b4 we broke up, i was making leaps and bounds of progress, realizing that i wasnt a good girlfren and trying my best to be better, more understanding, being there for him etc. and after 7 years, he just stops loving me. probably was cheating on me in that last year too. i wud never know. its not that i miss him. after breaking up and months of analyzation on sleepless nigths, i see him for who he is.hes not the devil himself, he’s just a normal guy, weaknesses being lying, huge lack of self esteem and cowardice. all of which i accepted as his weaknesses that i expected him to work on, just as how i work on my weaknesses. its called growing up. i see him for who he is and i dont miss him. thank God for that. i miss companionship and intimacy. but i dont miss him as a person. if i never see him again in my life, it would be just fine with me. but i feel so much time has been wasted. ive never been in a real relationship. it was alwiz stressful and hiding then we were apart. and now i just want an oh so normal courtship and relationship.

im so desperate that every guy i see i automatically think is he single and a potential? its horrible. i will see the back of the head of the guy in the car in front of me and wonder, can he be the one? every half decent guy i meet at work, i think is he single? pls let him be interested in me. my standards have gone from a normal standard to ‘any guy will do, just try, who knows’ my mind is filled with thoughts of potential guys, and being depressed because most of the potential guys are married or in a relationship. is this how i will lead my life for the next few years before i become an ‘old maid’ and resign myself to my lonely fate? i dont want to be like this at all. i dont want!!!!!!!!!!! i think its a horrible way to live. becoming a slave to my quest for a ‘mystery man’ esp when it doesnt look like there is going to be a mystery man either in the near future or far. what i should do is stop looking so desperately. when love happens, it happens. is that true? or do we have to go out and grab it? for my sake, i pray and wish and hope that if love is gonna happen, it will happen. coz im really not a grabber type. i have decided that i will stop being so desperate. this is not me at all. im just gonna be myself, working towards a better me, and meet more ppl (still thinking of a way how to meet more ppl), and do the things i like. God, pls take care of me. i’m entrusting my whole future to u. if it be Your will, pls give me a good guy who loves me whom i can love. pls let it be your will=P  in the meantime, im gonna off with this desperation thing. it sucks.