Living Life Bravely

fuck it. i give up. i am telling things to them not having sabotaging her in mind but all she can think is that i want to sabotage her. i want to destroy her. she herself says the worst things to destroy her own image and when i talk about myself and involves her suddenly i am talking all kinds of bad things behind her back and making her look bad to make myself look better when i never had that in mind at all. in the first place, i am who i am. she is who she is. who is comparing? i am definitely more matured and reasonable. she has a kinder more generous heart. we both have our pros and cons as does everyone else in this fucking world. why de hell is she so sensitive? when she’s in a bad mood and says things that make me feel miserable, i tell that to my parents because i feel bad and i want to tell it to someone because i feel better after letting my misery out. but when she does good things i tell that too. maybe it makes her look bad in that sense, but she was bad wen she purposely said things to make me feel like a beggar.

sometimes i hate her so much. i wish i didnt have to stay in her room. i wish i had the money to go somewhere else. i wish i didnt come here on holiday. i just wish that i dont have to see her. it makes life a lot easier when u dont have to be so worried about any word that comes out of yr mouth because it can be taken wrongly. i admit sometimes i misunderstand the things she says too. but after its cleared, i say sorry and things go back to normal. but today, she seemed to be letting frustration from years ago out all in 1 go. it seems she thinks i am the ‘evil’sister trying to make her look evil in front of my parents. just for the record, i’m not. i love her. i’m just hell irritated with her most of the time because of her weird principles in life and sensitivity. all i’m trying to is to have a fucking holiday. and instead i come here and i’m in an even more stressful state. i’m getting headaches. i’ve cried twice already. my muscles are all tensed up. my father is pressuring me to see more things since i’m here, my sister is asking y am i alwiz in her way, my mother is saying serves me right for thinking i want to see more of the world, i myself just want to try to find myself, try to find God, just want to see something new but dont want to push myself to the limit. i want to have a holiday my way. wats wrong with that? why does evryone think i have to see all of europe to make this worthwhile? and to top it all off, i’m staying with a crazy bitch sister with her mood swings up and down and evrytime its down, i get the brunt of it. den wen she’s up again, she will say she’s sorry. oh fuck. i feel like i’m living in a nightmare. yes, she has problems. but truthfully, i’m not that interested to help her out of it because she isnt doing anything herself to try to solve it. i guess its not a problem to her. i mean she herself admits she’s too sensitive but she’s saying ‘wat to do? i’m like that’ and i’m like if the world is saying one thing and u’re saying another it means u have to rethink if u’re going the right way. and she says u bitch. stop trying to make me look evil. and i’m thinking ‘let me wake up of this nightmare. fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have enough problems of my own to solve (which i am aware arent that big and involves alot of self-pitying) but that’s y i’m on holiday, so that i can sort out the self-pitying and the real problems. so that i can find myself, or at least put myself on the right track to find myself. so that i can relax and try to gather myself together. i just realized that my heart is still broken for Gods sake.  if i didnt take this holiday and started having time to reflect, i wouldnt even realize that that’s a big reason why i feel so sad and tired all the time. i have alot of things to think and reflect about, i dont want to get involved with trying to push my sister to see her problems. let her deal with it in her own way and time. everyone needs to do that and some time or another. if u want to say, i have alot of things i’m not happy with my sister about, alot of her way of life that i wouldnt want for myself, but i accept that as this is her life. live it how she wants, what i think is my own opinion. so please just let me deal with me and let her deal with her.