Living Life Bravely

these last few days have been v depressing. so depressing that i did not even have the energy to write out my depression. every day i will start out the day in an upbeat mood, trying to enjoy my life as a single. but in the day, something invariably happens to make me feel pathetic and ugly. i’m not talking about big things. just small things. the other day, i found out one of my colleagues was going after another colleague and brought her food when she worked late. i was working late that same night and he knew it, but when he saw me, he didn’t even offer to buy for me something. i would have happily paid him back. the thing i was sad about was, why does she have so many guys after her while i dont even have one? am i that ugly? i’m definitely smart. i can carry an adult conversation better than many of my peers. i’m not that ugly. i mean..i’m average looking, its just that i look tired most of the time… coz i feel tired most of the time… sad and tired.. today, what made me sad was, the guy i went out on a date with recently, i asked him for lunch a few times, just casually, but he always had something to do. we’ve been working quite closely in the past 2 weeks. today i was going out with other female colleagues, and he called to ask one of them out for lunch=( i tot he was interested in me but was just a passive guy. i guess he’s not passive after all. just not interested in me. and my ex is now a love machine. i guess when he said he was depressed and has lost interest in everything is bullshit after all=(

i know i’m letting this getting a bf thing affect my whole life and wellbeing. i can’t help it. on one hand, i don’t know how i can be in another relationship and trust another guy again. on the other hand, i want so much for someone to lean on. i’m so tired of taking care of myself all the time. i’m so tired of being strong. i just want to lie my head on someone’s shoulders and know i’m safe.

my ex kept telling me that i must be strong. i am too weak, always letting him affect my emotions. but i’m strong. i’m stronger than anyone i know. i carried on in a long distance relationship for 5 yrs. i did everything by myself. when i moved house, i carried all the furniture by myself. when i was sad and he wasnt around which he often wasnt, i carried the sadness by myself. i carried everything by myself. i didn’t get someone else to lean on. when he cheated on me, i didn’t cheat on him back or try to get another guy as backup. i still stayed loyal. now we’ve broken up. and i’m going through this alone. i can’t even tell my family because they thought we broke up 1 yr ago. i’m staying in another state and only see my family once a month. i only have colleagues here. even my old friends from secondary school, who are supposed to be my closest friends, are not really interested in helping me get through this. they are hoping i won’t spoil the outing by talking about my problems. nobody wants to know. therefore, i smile every day. even though i’m sad. i joke. even though i’m heartbroken. i’m nice to my patients. even though inside, i just want to cry. everyday i take care of my patients. all i do is take care of others. who takes care of me?

i can’t let myself fall. because if i fall, nobody will be there to pick me up again.