Living Life Bravely

these last few days have been v depressing. so depressing that i did not even have the energy to write out my depression. every day i will start out the day in an upbeat mood, trying to enjoy my life as a single. but in the day, something invariably happens to make me feel pathetic and ugly. i’m not talking about big things. just small things. the other day, i found out one of my colleagues was going after another colleague and brought her food when she worked late. i was working late that same night and he knew it, but when he saw me, he didn’t even offer to buy for me something. i would have happily paid him back. the thing i was sad about was, why does she have so many guys after her while i dont even have one? am i that ugly? i’m definitely smart. i can carry an adult conversation better than many of my peers. i’m not that ugly. i mean..i’m average looking, its just that i look tired most of the time… coz i feel tired most of the time… sad and tired.. today, what made me sad was, the guy i went out on a date with recently, i asked him for lunch a few times, just casually, but he always had something to do. we’ve been working quite closely in the past 2 weeks. today i was going out with other female colleagues, and he called to ask one of them out for lunch=( i tot he was interested in me but was just a passive guy. i guess he’s not passive after all. just not interested in me. and my ex is now a love machine. i guess when he said he was depressed and has lost interest in everything is bullshit after all=(

i know i’m letting this getting a bf thing affect my whole life and wellbeing. i can’t help it. on one hand, i don’t know how i can be in another relationship and trust another guy again. on the other hand, i want so much for someone to lean on. i’m so tired of taking care of myself all the time. i’m so tired of being strong. i just want to lie my head on someone’s shoulders and know i’m safe.

my ex kept telling me that i must be strong. i am too weak, always letting him affect my emotions. but i’m strong. i’m stronger than anyone i know. i carried on in a long distance relationship for 5 yrs. i did everything by myself. when i moved house, i carried all the furniture by myself. when i was sad and he wasnt around which he often wasnt, i carried the sadness by myself. i carried everything by myself. i didn’t get someone else to lean on. when he cheated on me, i didn’t cheat on him back or try to get another guy as backup. i still stayed loyal. now we’ve broken up. and i’m going through this alone. i can’t even tell my family because they thought we broke up 1 yr ago. i’m staying in another state and only see my family once a month. i only have colleagues here. even my old friends from secondary school, who are supposed to be my closest friends, are not really interested in helping me get through this. they are hoping i won’t spoil the outing by talking about my problems. nobody wants to know. therefore, i smile every day. even though i’m sad. i joke. even though i’m heartbroken. i’m nice to my patients. even though inside, i just want to cry. everyday i take care of my patients. all i do is take care of others. who takes care of me?

i can’t let myself fall. because if i fall, nobody will be there to pick me up again.   

today i had a shock when i logged on to friendster and realized that he visited my page. and in a half frenzy i checked all my mails and messengers to see if he left me a message. feel so pathetic and stupid. what the hell am i doing? as expected of course he didn’t leave any message. fuck it. please God i’m not ready to be reminded of him. as it is he comes to mind every day without fail. feel so sad every time i think of him=’( please dont let me see him God. because i want to=’(

Sad… i want a boyfriend… i want to do all the things that couples do.. i just want a simple uncomplicated relationship with a simple uncomplicated guy. just want someone who loves me. just want to be able to hug someone. just want to be able to share my sadness with someone, to share my happiness with someone.. will i ever be with someone? or will i forever be a spinster… the truth is… i love him… i dont think the love will ever go away.. but loving him and having hope for him is 2 different things… i know that there is no hope between us. i hate him for not loving me anymore after all that we’ve been through. after all the sacrifices i did for him, i hate him for treating me like this. but the truth is, i love him although i dont want to be with him anymore.. sounds weird i guess… i really want to be with someone else, to be courted, to date, to just go to the zoo and have fun looking at animals, to get to know someone slowly, to have dinner with someone, to have someone to cuddle up to… I heard that when you stop looking for love, love will come… i know i’m too desperately looking for love, and i’m trying not to… but deep down i’m so afraid that i will be alone forever=(