First Date December 28, 2007
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts.2 comments
went for my first date in 8 yrs. refreshing, light, just plain enjoyable. left me smiling=)
Sad Thoughts December 26, 2007
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Self-improvement, Thoughts.4 comments
1. I just dont think things will work out between us
2. i’m a sinking ship. Abandon ship while u can. If that’s the case, why you dont leave me? why when i wasnt demanding anything from you, when i was the one smsing and calling u everyday u never leave me? why wait until i cant take it, when i ask for abit effort from you then you suddenly become a martyr, suddenly i dont want to pull you down, so its best if you leave me?
why wont you just put in a little bit of effort? i’m so confused. your actions say one thing, your mouth another. i’ve always trusted what you say. can it be that your mouth is lying while your actions are true? isit really possible to be depressed to this extent that you dont even feel any love for yr 8-yr gf?
3. I dont know if i love u. can you imagine the hurt that i feel from hearing you say that? i dont know if i love u…
even if i believe that you are in depression, that you are not interested in anything… what can i do? i’ve already tried my best. i stood by you for almost a year.i tried my best to uphold this one sided relationship. You did not lift a finger to help me. even when you were so depressed, you never said you loved me less. now when you are getting better, suddenly, you say you haf lost interest in me. so many times i could not accept and believed your flimsy excuse that you are just depressed. but i guess i was the dense one. since you were beside me you were hinting things wont work out between us but i was too dense to accept until you said u dono if you love me.
i cant help you. i know you might not love me any more. but you still need me. even if i wanted to i can’t continue trying to help you. you are sucking my life force from me. nobody can help you except yourself. swim or sink. i can’t keep symphatizing and destroying my own future. the best is, i know no matter how hard i try, you most probably would leave me sooner or later anyway, or worse, our R would drag and drag and you would continue sucking more and more of my spirit. what if after dragging another year you again say sorry but this time i really dowan you anymore. im not interested in any relationship. the best is, i cant blame you because since the beginning you haf been telling me dont stick to you but i am the one who insist to stick.
i will have no one to blame for my stupidity. in the first place, i was stupid to wait for you for the past 5 years. i was stupid to forgive you your affair. i was stupid to trust you again. i was stupid for not running while i had the chance. i was stupid for letting myself love you so much more deeply and real.
Even now i keep thinking maybe its salvageable. maybe we can work things out. we were so right for each other. how could things have turned out like that. i just need a little bit of effort from you. but i know.
1. you dont want to make the effort
2. i can accept you as you are now and continue this one-sided relationship but i will just be torturing myself and letting myself be used by you. because the truth is, you are using me.
not giving anything of yourself while taking all i give you is using me isint it?
3. even if i dont mind going through this suffering with the hope that you will start realizing how much you love me, i doubt that will happen. more likely, you will use me more and more and the times when i breakdown you will say you are too tired and ask for breakup.
You are right. You are undependable and unstable.
HOW LONG DO I WANT TO BE SO STUPID?
Christmas 2007 December 25, 2007
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Love, Me, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sadness, Thoughts.1 comment so far
I wished for happiness with you, real relationship, real love. i got a breakup instead. hahaha.ironic.isit a sign? that it happened on christmas day? is God saying i will give u happiness, just not with him? i really dono. it hurts like hell. i want to die. just want to explode. so much stress n tension inside. so much sadness. all my dreams all my future was centered around you. all i wanted was you. all i needed was you. i gave up everything important to me for you. but all i can do today is to let you go. how am i to face the world? how to face tomorrow? we’ve been together for 8 yrs. i dont know any other life. i dont know how to live a life without you in it. where do i start? im scared. i love u so much. so sad. can there be so much sadness in me? where does it end? when does it start to get better? Oh God. Be with me in this time of need. i haf no one to turn to.
