Spiralling out of control June 15, 2009
Posted by realove in Fears, Feelings, Life, Me, Pain, Personal, Sadness, Thoughts.10 comments
I am so tired. so terrified. feel so hopeless about the future and what it holds. don’t know how to handle the present and its craziness. i don’t know how to continue working in this place where gossip and rumours about me abound, where i’ve personally had conflict with so many, where there is so much ill-will directed towards me. i wish i never lost my temper at something so simple. i wish that after losing my temper, something so terrible didnt happen. i wish and wish to take back so many things. i wish time can be reversed. i am ashamed to face my subordinates because i lost my temper at something so simple. i dont know what came over me. i dont know how i could have just lost it, and in the process, made mortal enemy of a colleague and lost the respect of a big group of subordinates, not to mention making wrong decisions and opening myself to a fresh onslaught from my ever-vigilant boss. i feel that i’m walking on glass and egg-shells. i must do no wrong, for to do wrong is to invite thunder and lightning over myself. my boss is ever waiting for me to trip, my colleagues, undependable and unwilling to give any support whatsoever. God, i dont want to ever step foot into this hell-hole again. but i cannot, i must continue working until i get my transfer. i just dont know how to go on. my confidence as a doctor, as a part of this place is near to zero. i am panicking and am unable to make decisions for fear that my decisions will cause death or suffering. i am so sick of deaths, so terrified that my decisions will cause death or that my negligence will cause someone else’s suffering. God. God. my conscience is killing me. i’ve done so much wrong against so many, by my lack of knowledge, by my negligence, by my stupidity, by my lack of foresight, by not bothering more;’( by pushing responsibility. i am a killer. i’ve killed so many. God, i am terrified for myself as well as for my patients. God. help me!
Boss Stress June 6, 2009
Posted by realove in 1156.2 comments
sigh… this past week has been one stressful event after another. and i’ve become a person i dont like. i’m actually partaking in office politics:(
my boss has been spreading news about me fighting with her while i was away. i only got to know about it after i came back. she told people that she has asked to me transfer because of my bad character. but she hasnt told me anything. and i feel v insulted and frustrated. she’s a horrible boss. lazy, greedy, bad hearted and makes false claims to get more income. she treats us all like her personal slaves. and she has the cheek to say i haf a bad character just because i refuse to be bullied by her? sigh… the worst is that i cant do anything about her. she’s the ‘queen of the fort’ and she just does whatever she wants. have done so for years. others have complained but she’s on very good terms with the higher bosses and all the complaints were swept under the carpet. that’s so sad. she’s complaining about me to the big boss and i feel so sad about that. i truly truly regret the day i agreed to come here. because of her, my good record has been marred. i applied for my transfer on thursday. and since then, she has been telling others that i will be transfered soon because i’ve made a fuss and insisted on being transferred (about half of my other colleagues have also applied for transfer because they can’t stand her either). i wish there was something i could do about her. i’ve schemed and planned and used gossips and office politics to let her know that if she continues disturbing me, i’ll make trouble for her. i feel like a shit. planning bad things on purpose. and there is so much hatred in me. so much frustration. no peace at all. i feel so far from God. so so far. i cant feel Him at all. all i think about his her, the things i would like to say and do to her, as well as how to control the damage she’s wrecking on my career and image. sigh… last friday was the last day that i let myself be involved in office politics directly. i felt so dirty. i refuse to do it anymore. sigh… pls pray for my peace of mind, and a quick transfer…
New Goal May 31, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Personal, Thoughts.1 comment so far
i spent the weekend being DEPRESSED. alternating between missing him so damn much, and telling myself it serves me right that i’m so miserable now coz i got involved with a married man. he’s so perfect. physically he’s perfect. and we have so much in common. and we have the same line of thought about so many things. we love the same things. we would have been great together:S i miss him! and i cant help but hope that they’ll break up and he’ll come to me. haha. that’ll never happen. and after a few days, he would just be a good memory. anyway, i’ve decided that today is my last day of depression. i refuse to spend my precious time crying over spilt milk and hoping for the impossible.
i have decided on a new goal. superficial. but interesting. i have decided to be a man-magnet! hhhmm…. i have nothing to lose. i’m bored and lonely anyway. worst case scenario: i’m bored and lonely even though i try. haha. i’ve been reading some stuff on the net. doing research (i’m pathetic – i do research for everything:P)
My strategy to be a man-magnet:
1. EXTREME CONFIDENCE in my ability to attract men
2. Great attitude – cheerful, funny, sweet
3. Belief in myself
4. ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY
5. shining eyes
6. smiling lips
7. poise and style
8. unique-ness (no such word)
9. think sexy and i will be sexy
10. positivity
11. feminimity
this last ‘fling’ has given me a boost in self-confidence. after so many one-sided crushes, suddenly this guy is attracted to me back. and that’s amazing. for a long while, i never dreamed that would happen. and he isnt just an average joe either. he’s tall, handsome, popular, other ppl gravitate towards him, other girls were flirting with him, and he was attracted to me. WOW.
and that gives me the boost in confidence that maybe i wont be alone forever:)
btw, just an update, after the ending of our course, we have since stopped direct contact. he stopped first and i didnt pursue it. he probably intended to put a stop to it once we’re not together physically because when we were together, we couldnt stop ourselves from seeking each other out. its probably considered ‘cheating’ in his case and he’s not the kind of guy to cheat. and i understand that we cant be in contact anymore. but one of his last words were for me to keep being cheerful and care-free because it fits me and makes everything fun:) awww….
At least this new goal keeps my mind of him and i think i would have fun trying:)
Emmanuel May 28, 2009
Posted by realove in Feelings, Life, Love, Pain, Personal, Thoughts.1 comment so far
sigh… open your heart, and prepare to die. again. i wonder if my extremely stupid heart will ever learn its lesson and stop hurting itself. i’m back at home and my heart is in pieces again. even now, i’m fighting so hard not to try to get him. if i just keep quiet and not do anything, i will never see him again and after a while, these feelings of mine will be forgotten.
but one small thing that i’m extremely happy about is that it wasnt so one-sided after all. a small and useless consolation, but one i treasure none the less. i thought i was the only one attracted to him. but it seems he is attracted to me too, maybe even before i was attracted to him. and the last 2 days was wonderful. we spent so much time together. not alone, because that’s unacceptable. but together in a group, or in a public place. and we had so much fun together. even studying was fun with him beside me.
we never said anything to each other about any kind of attraction or even hinted at anything. but he looks at me with such a gentle face when he thinks i’m not looking. when i’m talking to anyone else, he will be gazing at me. he comes to look for me when he knows i’m probably at that place. everytime i ask him to join us to do something, he will agree without hesitation even if he has promised someone else. we talk during lectures about so many things. we try to sit by each other.
i know now that the course is over, this is the end. we’ll go our separate lives. him to get married. me hopefully to meet a good man. i’m grateful for all the time i had with him. i am so tempted to pursue him. i am so tempted to try to wrestle him away from his fiancee. but that will just end things rottenly. i know that what he had was a superficial attraction. what he and his fiancee has is love, from 7 years of relationship.
i just wish and wish so much that he would miraculously realize that we’re meant to be together and break of his engagement and come running to me. haha. even in my wildest dreams, that wont happen. it hurts so much. it hurts. i dont regret any of the time i spent with him even though its because of all that time that i’m suffering now. i’m left in my empty home with so many beautiful memories with a guy who forever belongs to someone else. i even went online and browsed through his couple photos, goodness knows why. they look so good together. talk about rubbing salt in a wound.
God. i know it will get better as time passes by. but for now, oh so painful. so painful:’(
Sigh… a crush… again? May 24, 2009
Posted by realove in Life, Love, Personal, Thoughts.8 comments
when will i learn my lesson. sigh… i’ve only been at this course for a week and on the first day itself, i was attracted to a guy. and the feeling deepened as i knew him better. now i love his face, his body, his voice, and even his smell. he is just perfect for me. haha. except for the fact that he’s engaged to be married soon:S
plus, he treats me as a friend and is totally not interested in me. plus, he’s from a different race and religion. plus, he’s getting married!!!!!! isn’t that enough to stop yourself? i’m even thinking of pursuing him and having a fling with him just for the course. i’m fantasizing about kissing by the beach. and the worst is, even by some ‘miracle’ it happens, i think i would go for it, even though it will ruin his life after that. imagine if he really cheated, it will be just a fling for me, but it would ruin his future coz he cheated on his fiancee. and knowing that, i still automatically want to pursue this.
currently, i’m just trying my best not to see him in that light and to just appreciate our friendship. but damn. i realized a few things that i want to get off my chest.
1. i’m so lonely. i desperately want someone to share my life with.
2. i’m not as virtuous as i thought. i thought i had self-respect and a sense of right enough that i wouldnt do something on purpose when i know it will hurt another human being so badly. especially when i was hurt in the exact same way. but i’m fighting that now. probably nothing will happen. he does not look like the kind of guy to cheat. but the point is on my side, i’m hoping he would. what a bitch. sigh… but i’m working on strengthening my character now. and i’m adamant to.
